Humanity has emerged victorious against the undead, but with our economy in the gutter and our cities having been pointlessly nuked to bits, our future doesn't exactly look that bright. With zombies in such great abundance, one would ask if they could be put to good use. To answer that question- yes. Here is a list of some practical everyday( and unorthodox) uses for zombies in the world after the apocalypse.



Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any infections, deaths and bites caused by the ideas I have suggested. If you were stupid enough to get bitten…well then that’s one less idiot pissing in the gene pool.



This special presentation is sponsored by Percy Pete’s Pipe Bombs- fun for the whole family!



Categories

1.) Sports
2.) Home, Art and Decoration
3.) Military and Security
4.) Zombie Games




1.) Sports

Let’s face it, the sports of today can be dreadfully boring, I mean who actually enjoys watching men chase after a ball? Honestly…so here are some sports that could use a little boost- with zombies.



Zombie Fishing
Watching people fish is dull. Although it is a good ‘sport’ to pass the time with your families, it doesn’t quite deserve to be something you’d spend your time watching on the television. How to make fishing fun? Simple, just follow these steps:

1.) Throw zombies of varying size into lake, they will most likely sink to the bottom.
2.) Get out there with a boat, metal club (for the zombies) and of course, a net and/or fishing rod.
3.) Use fresh flesh for bait.
4.) Sit back, relax and enjoy.

Make sure you have a firearm or blunt melee weapon at hand when attempting this. The aim is to pull the zombie up to the surface and kill it. You get points depending on their size too. Plant sea mines for added fun.



Olympic Racing
Now, everybody loves the Olympics (or at least pretends to) but the races can get pretty boring especially when those darn Kenyans keep winning. Do you want to see a ‘real’ race? Yes? Good, all you’ve got to do is unleash a cage of running zombies to chase after the athletes. Preferably Kenyan zombies, now that is exciting.



Javelin Throwing
Right, so you’re throwing javelins at a field of grass. Great. Want real fun? Just put some zombies in that field and arm your athlete with those javelins. He’ll be fighting for his life and you’ll be laughing your head off, safe at home.



Zombie Head Curling
Who invented this sport? Seriously. You throw a stone slab across ice- something anybody can do at their local pond during winter. Try using a zombie head instead of stone slab. At least that would be vaguely more exciting.





American Football and Soccer
Quite similar to the other sports I’ve mentioned, only you’re using a zombie head which will be constantly trying to gnaw at you. Think the fun ends there? No, it most certainly does not! The other team you’re up against would all be zombies, good luck getting past them!





Golf and Croquet
Hardly worth being called sports in my opinion. You don’t really do much of anything except move your arms while standing in place, which is precisely what you do in gaming, but that’s an entirely different story.

For Croquet:

1.) Replace Mallet with Sledgehammer
2.) Replace balls with zombie head
3.) Get creative

For Golf:

1.) Replace the flags and holes with a chained up zombie.
2.) You get points depending on where the ball hits the zombie!
3.) Also, all golf carts must be reinforced- running over zombies simply wouldn’t do with a regular golf cart. This sport can get pretty frustrating and boring, so if you’re ever feeling bad, you can just whack a zombie with your golf club. Morbidly amusing, indeed!





2.) Home, Art and Decoration




Art
Are you one of those strange artistic types that think starving a dog can be considered art? Are you being held back by the morals of society? If you answered YES to both then you’re in luck! Now, with zombies, you can do whatever the hell you want and not get crucified for it! Zombies can be used for photography too, but with the saturation of zombie pictures taken during the apocalypse, you’re going to have do something out of the ordinary to get yourself noticed.



Sculpting
Grab your carving knives and your zombies, it’s time for sculpting! You can enjoy hours upon hours of mutilating a zombie at your leisure- all in the name of art! Slash em up and hack em, how they end up looking is left to your imagination.



Body Art
Can’t find anybody who’d be volunteer to be your (victim) assistant for body art? Look no further with the new zombie canvases! Spray them, paint them and draw mustaches on them, they won’t complain, because they’re already dead!



Mannequin and Model
Life isn't exactly fair to anyone. All the manequins were melted down for some obscure purpose. With all the food shortage and daily struggles to survive, there has been a shortage of models. Simply dress up those zombies in the clothes you wish to showcase, be it at your shop or at a fashion show. Just make sure they don’t bleed on the clothes.





Home

What happens inside your own home is your business and so what you do with your newly purchased zombies. Here is a list of zombie home products that can really put your neighbors to shame!


Gore Whore Zombie Slaves- the freshest and sexiest zombie sex slaves picked out by the well respected Gore Whore inc. Dress them up, do some BDSM, it’s your pick- zombies can't say no.  Remember boys and girls, always wear a condom! We don’t want any zombie babies. *shivers*


Zombie Pets- want your own cute, gnashing and gnawing pet zombie? Of course you do, everybody does. They’re low maintenance, offer endless hours of love and can double as guards! Just make sure you chain them up properly!


Trash Disposal Zombie- Tired of cleaning out garbage? Good, just give it to your zombie, he’ll do the rest.


Zombie Firewood- wood can be expensive, especially if it’s all been burnt black by a nuclear explosion and if you’re in a desert. Dry out those zombies and you’ve got yourself some good old fashioned fuel. Just don't breath in the fumes, who knows what it can do to you!


Zombie Chariot- Get some running zombies, a fishing rod with some meat attached to the hook and of course, a chariot. Place the fishing rod in front of the running zombies after chaining them to the chariot. The zombies should be attracted to the meat, and, being the stupid creatures they are, will run after it in an attempt to fulfill their meaningless existence. Just watch your neighbors turn green with envy when they see how awesome your zombie chariot is compared to their silly Bulldog Tank!





Decoration

Do you think the electric fences and reinforced walls of your fortress are a bit bland?  Too dumb to think up ideas for decoration? Or are you just too busy fighting zombies to think up some? Well, here are some suggestions I’m sure you (and your partner!) would enjoy:

Zombie Lantern

Zombie Furniture

Zombie Garden Gnome

Zombie Fountain- plug a hose through the…errrrr, the exit point of the alimentary canal and push it up into the mouth of the zombie, switch on the water and voila! A zombie fountain!

Zombie Head candle holder

Zombie Head Gold Fish (no feeding necessary!)

Zombie Car Ornaments

Zombie Wall Ornaments

Zombie Chandelier

Zombie Statue(stick em in the cement while it’s wet)






3.) Military and Research



Military

As the world slowly rebuilds itself there will most likely be a power struggle or petty feuds because we are, after all, only human. Here are some suggestions to give you that little edge over your enemies in our dystopian world.


Zombie Bomber- simply strap some explosives onto a zombie, preferably a running one and send them charging up the enemy lines. You will get some serious laughs watching your enemies flee at the sight of a zombie running at them with a 5 Kiloton nuclear warhead strapped to its back. Not only that, but the resulting explosion would most certainly shower your enemies in zombie blood, spreading the infection among their troops!



Zombie Soldiers- are your soldiers dieing? Of course they are! They’re human- violent, fragile and, well… human…need I say more? Just turn your dieing soldiers into zombies and they have just got themselves a second shot at life on the battlefield. They feel no pain, pity or fear- the perfect cannon fodder! Too lazy to carry your own gear? No problem- a zombie soldier can double as a pack mule!



Decoy- not sure where that camping sniper is hiding? Worry no more! Just send a zombie out into the open, let him shoot it and he has just revealed his location. What happens after that? I’ll leave that for you to decide.


Target Practice- you can’t go to war with soldiers who can’t hit a zombie in the head from fifty meters, so our undead friends have involuntarily agreed to become targets for our brave boys in uniform.




Research

Ah, our wonderful (bastard) scientists, the very people who made the zombie virus and screwed up our lives. That shouldn’t be any reason to hate them though, because now they’re creating technology to help us combat the zombie threat. Take the modified combine blades for example, if we didn’t have these, how could our brave farmers harvest wheat and slice zombies up at the same time?



Zombie Guinea Pigs- before the apocalypse began, we used dogs and other innocent animals to be tested on and PETA was certainly not amused. Now, times have changed, we use live, human convicts and of course, zombies. Animals are for eating now.


Weapons Testing- do our plasma rifles work? Do our incendiary bullets burn long enough? How effective are the new plasma cannons? All these questions can be answered with our new test zombies in the weapons research section. Zombies are a perfect alternative to conventional weapons testing apparatus, such as dummies made of ballistics gel or grandma.


Power Generation- all our nuclear power stations have blown up, the world’s oil has run out and what do we do now? Use renewable sources of energy, that’s what!  The sun, wind and fast moving rivers of toxic water are all good alternatives to fossil fuels, but what do we do with all these zombies? Simple, get a running zombie, tie him to a generator and put a slab of meat just hanging out of its reach. The zombie will chase that meat forever, running around in circles while you get free electricity!


4.)Zombie Games

Tell me, what can be worse than you participating in a Japanese gameshow? The answer is simple- a Japanese gameshow- with zombies! If you thought Japanese gameshows were crazy, wait 'til you see this shit!



Survivor
Watching a bunch of people cast away on an island in the middle of nowhere for two months is nothing to get excited about. So what do you do to get your studio ratings up? Easy, become an amoral bastard and follow these steps:

1.) Get thirty Survivors

2.) Arm them with weapons

3.) Dump them in a sealed off, heavily televised and quarantined city or island

4.) ???

5.) Profit

Of course there can only be one survivor, they rest either get voted off (which is a good thing on this show) or they get eaten. This should be done with convicts or Japanese 9th graders, if you know what I mean! *cough*battle royale*cough*



MXC
Everybody loves Most Extreme Elimination Challenges, especially the two judges and their funny quips and horribly dubbed English. However, things get twice as awesome with zombies involved. Of course the challenges will remain the same, except most will feature zombies hidden inside the murky sewage water that the contestants so dearly fear.

A fun example of one of the challenges would be the maze challenge, where zombies are released at various points in a maze while our brave little convict contestant tries to find his way out.



Big Brother
Trapped in a house that is under siege by an army of zombies, the contestants of this show have got it hard. The once pointless and boring show will now give you eyegasms just watching it! Contestants are forced to barricade themselves inside a house and survive for a given time, all the while they must take care not to get voted off. Those who do get voted off are shoved outside for the zombies to chew up. As more and more people get voted off, you will have less and less people to defend the house, making it much more fun!

Just like in the Big Brother before the apocalypse, there will be random events, such as a barricade purposely breaking down and the contestants having to find a bomb hidden in the house before the time runs out. All shows must contain a generic ghetto African American guy, a stupid blonde girl, a badass and a psychopath along with other uninteresting convict redshirts.



Zombie Races
Sorry to say, but we ate all the horses....what? We were hungry! Anywho, zombie races are the next ‘in’ thing. Like in Shaun of the Dead, it can involve zombies with bungee cords holding them back as they battle to get at a slab of meat. Mostly it involves running zombies, all of which are chasing after a tantalizingly panicked convict.



Apocalypse Idol
Are you the next Apocalypse Idol? Think you’ve got what it takes to make it big? If you answered the last question with a yes then head on down to Apocalypse Idol to see if you have what it takes! We aren’t asking you to sing though, oh no! Singing is pointless now, we will be assessing your zombie killing skills of course!



Spot that Celebrity!

Grab your anti-tank rifles, folks, it's time for Spot that Celebrity!

Is that zombie with a knife embedded in her chest Paris Hilton? Is that gigantic lard factory Rosie O’Donnell? You’ll be asking yoursel to search for a celebrity look alike amidst a horde of zombies, sort of like a macabre variation of ‘Where’s Waldo?’




And so you have come to the end of this guide, I certainly hope you found it useful or enjoyed it! Remember, these are only suggestions, so get creative, maybe you can make up your own uses for zombies!


SPECIAL PROMO!

With the new season of Apocalypse Idol looming over us, we are holding a special promotion for you survivors! Any survivor who can bring us a hundred zombie heads will get a special cricket bat signed by Simon Peg himself! Hurry now, while the competition is still open!

This special promo is sponsored by Viscera Viagra- “is that your ‘Rigor Mortis’ or are you just happy to see me?”


Look out for the next installment by our producers, ‘The Zombie Survival God’, coming soon to a barricade near you!